Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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