The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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