I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I am naked and annoyed.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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