Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
