I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
