my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
