Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
