I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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