upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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