Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
