overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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