the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
