What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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