this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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