If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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