you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
