he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
