I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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