turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
