I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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