Screwed.edu
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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