You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
