When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
