I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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