Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
