i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
