At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
