I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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