I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
