Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
