we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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