Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
