we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I hope mine doesn't look like that
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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