I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
