I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
