you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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