I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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