I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
