life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
