There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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