Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
