Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
