the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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