There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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