if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
