i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
