I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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