He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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