oh god the rape fog is back!
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
