I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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