You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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